On Women
I have gone out with two different women in 2007 which, when you add the six that I went on dates with in 2006, means that there are eight women with enough self-loathing to go on a date with me. Nothing ever progressed past date three with any of them and I couldn’t figure out why. Today, it struck me. All eight of these women were the same woman.
Men, I offer you these ways to figure out if you are about to date of the 8 women I have dated in the past 18 months. Women, consider this a way to figure out whether or not we have gone out.
• If you met this woman online did she use her profile to describe herself as “laid-back?” Newsflash: She isn't. 90% of the women I know, my friends included, are crazy. Have you ever seen “The Big Lebowski?” THAT Dude is laid back! Just because you don’t chuck your dog out the window when he piddles on the carpet doesn’t mean you are laid back. If you pee on the carpet, too, then you are laid back. Then again, that makes you an unhousebroken carpet tinkler who knows fewer tricks than my neighbor’s German Shepherd. That doesn’t make you tremendously desirable. In the same vein, don’t say you “Work Hard, Play Hard.” That’s an advertising slogan, not a personal description. The only people who work hard, play hard are professional athletes and 13-year-old boys who can’t control their erections.
• If you have anything by Dan Brown on your list of favorite books, you aren’t a reader. You are a person who reads. There is a huge difference. Example: I play volleyball, but I’m not a volleyball player. When a serve comes at me, I get in position, pass the ball, watch my pass miss the setter by 20 feet, and shout “Fuck!” I’m not a player, I play. Liking Dan Brown is like discussing guitar deficiencies of Jimmy Page while unironically wearing a Nickelback T-shirt. I don't care that you read Angels and Demons before The Da Vinci Code came out. I don’t care if you saw Nickelback before they got popular. Being popular doesn't make something suck less.
• In my unscientific poll. 85% of women who watch Sex and the City consider themselves a “Carrie.” So 85% of all women consider themselves the most unique character on the show. That's right. You are unique and unpredictable! Bullshit! If you are like 85% of other people, it makes you completely predictable. Let me let you in on a little secret. Men don’t want a Carrie. We want you to look like Charlotte, act like Samantha, and be successful like Miranda. See any Carrie in there? Neither do I.
Men, I offer you these ways to figure out if you are about to date of the 8 women I have dated in the past 18 months. Women, consider this a way to figure out whether or not we have gone out.
• If you met this woman online did she use her profile to describe herself as “laid-back?” Newsflash: She isn't. 90% of the women I know, my friends included, are crazy. Have you ever seen “The Big Lebowski?” THAT Dude is laid back! Just because you don’t chuck your dog out the window when he piddles on the carpet doesn’t mean you are laid back. If you pee on the carpet, too, then you are laid back. Then again, that makes you an unhousebroken carpet tinkler who knows fewer tricks than my neighbor’s German Shepherd. That doesn’t make you tremendously desirable. In the same vein, don’t say you “Work Hard, Play Hard.” That’s an advertising slogan, not a personal description. The only people who work hard, play hard are professional athletes and 13-year-old boys who can’t control their erections.
• If you have anything by Dan Brown on your list of favorite books, you aren’t a reader. You are a person who reads. There is a huge difference. Example: I play volleyball, but I’m not a volleyball player. When a serve comes at me, I get in position, pass the ball, watch my pass miss the setter by 20 feet, and shout “Fuck!” I’m not a player, I play. Liking Dan Brown is like discussing guitar deficiencies of Jimmy Page while unironically wearing a Nickelback T-shirt. I don't care that you read Angels and Demons before The Da Vinci Code came out. I don’t care if you saw Nickelback before they got popular. Being popular doesn't make something suck less.
• In my unscientific poll. 85% of women who watch Sex and the City consider themselves a “Carrie.” So 85% of all women consider themselves the most unique character on the show. That's right. You are unique and unpredictable! Bullshit! If you are like 85% of other people, it makes you completely predictable. Let me let you in on a little secret. Men don’t want a Carrie. We want you to look like Charlotte, act like Samantha, and be successful like Miranda. See any Carrie in there? Neither do I.
posted by Untiedshu @ 8:57 PM
2 Comments:
At 7/03/2007 11:16 PM ,
Anonymous said...
Maybe if you were more assertive with the women that you go out on dates with, then they would make it past date three. When you go out with a woman and they aren't certain how you feel, then they are afraid to do anything else, especially when they have made all of the moves so far. They feel like they are being shut down and you are not interested in them when they have to make all of the moves and you don't seem interested yourself. I had the same all of these guys I'm going out with don't make it past date three experience, it stinks, but if you don't show some confidence or assertiveness in the dates then they have no idea, especially when they are pretty nervous to begin with and are a pretty shy person. Just a bit of advise and ranting. Take it or leave it.
At 7/04/2007 10:34 AM ,
Untiedshu said...
Thanks for the advice, anonymous ranter. Your counsel strikes a little close to home. You are one of the eight, aren't you?
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