Shuller's Rules for Life
[Ed note: I was working on this monologue for a show I was working on last year. Since it never fully came together for me, (nor did it really fit anywhere in the show) I reformatted it as a list for RA publishing purposes. Enjoy]
If you ask any of my friends, they will tell you that sometimes I'm not exactly what you would call "easy-going," "laid-back," or "nice." I can't help it. I hold myself to high standards and expect the same of others. With that, I give you Shuller's Rules for Life. I know the title smacks of grandiosity, but please don't be put off by it. Think off it as "How not to piss me off."
First - Don't complain about anything unless you are doing something about it. If you complain to me that you can't lose weight even though you are running 10 miles a day, you'll have my sympathy. If you complain about not losing weight while you are holding two pieces of stuffed crust pizza, I'll beat you with the nearest blunt object. And then I'll eat your pizza.
Second - Don't insult people using words you don't know. Last summer, Sen. George Allen insulted someone of Indian descent by calling him "Macaca." Allen later claimed he just made up the word on the spot and didn't realize it was a racial slur originating from the region where his mother grew up. If you don't know what the word means, don't use it. Last week at work, someone wrote an e-mail to my boss in which I was called an "eliteist" because I used the word "whereas." I don't mind being called an eliteist, because it's true. However, they misspelled "eliteist." Epilogue: I responded with "No, I'm not" and misspelled every single word.
Third - Be mindful of your actions' effects on others. Just because you aren't in a hurry, doesn't mean that no one else is. If you are going the speed limit, get out of the left lane. In the left lane, it should be legal to give someone a NASCAR bump.
Fourth - Listen to the words that come out of your own mouth. If you are about to say anything that could legitimately start with "It goes without saying..." then you should respect that instinct. It probably does go without saying - and should.
Fifth - Accept that which you cannot change. Ladies, we will accept that when you say "Nothing is wrong," it means that something is wrong. Unfortunately, we will do so only if you accept that when you ask "What are you thinking about?" and we say "Nothing" it means we are thinking about nothing.
If you ask any of my friends, they will tell you that sometimes I'm not exactly what you would call "easy-going," "laid-back," or "nice." I can't help it. I hold myself to high standards and expect the same of others. With that, I give you Shuller's Rules for Life. I know the title smacks of grandiosity, but please don't be put off by it. Think off it as "How not to piss me off."
First - Don't complain about anything unless you are doing something about it. If you complain to me that you can't lose weight even though you are running 10 miles a day, you'll have my sympathy. If you complain about not losing weight while you are holding two pieces of stuffed crust pizza, I'll beat you with the nearest blunt object. And then I'll eat your pizza.
Second - Don't insult people using words you don't know. Last summer, Sen. George Allen insulted someone of Indian descent by calling him "Macaca." Allen later claimed he just made up the word on the spot and didn't realize it was a racial slur originating from the region where his mother grew up. If you don't know what the word means, don't use it. Last week at work, someone wrote an e-mail to my boss in which I was called an "eliteist" because I used the word "whereas." I don't mind being called an eliteist, because it's true. However, they misspelled "eliteist." Epilogue: I responded with "No, I'm not" and misspelled every single word.
Third - Be mindful of your actions' effects on others. Just because you aren't in a hurry, doesn't mean that no one else is. If you are going the speed limit, get out of the left lane. In the left lane, it should be legal to give someone a NASCAR bump.
Fourth - Listen to the words that come out of your own mouth. If you are about to say anything that could legitimately start with "It goes without saying..." then you should respect that instinct. It probably does go without saying - and should.
Fifth - Accept that which you cannot change. Ladies, we will accept that when you say "Nothing is wrong," it means that something is wrong. Unfortunately, we will do so only if you accept that when you ask "What are you thinking about?" and we say "Nothing" it means we are thinking about nothing.
posted by Untiedshu @ 11:01 PM
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