Morroccan Monkey Hit and Run

First, Congolese penis theft. Now, Tanzanian Albino Body Snatching? It would appear that African crime sprees are now being determined by the following pattern: (Adjectival African Country) (Funny Word) (Crime). I predict next week, we will see Kenyan Pants Tax Evasion.

Like Michigan and Florida, they won't be seated either

In an effort to counteract the Obama campaign's announcement that they have garnered the support of 8 superdelegates from various states today, the Clinton campaign has announced that they have received the support of all delegates from the state of Denial.

No Pain, No Pain

For those of you wondering what my goals are for the Flying Pig Marathon this weekend, I'll keep it simple. My goal is to be awake and outside by the time the leaders pass my apartment. I'm not running. In the eight months since I last ran a marathon, I have come to the conclusion that not running a marathon hurts a lot less than running a marathon. Regardless, if you are running tomorrow morning, I'll be out there cheering you on.

This just in...

I received some earth-shattering news today. Apparently, men have a hard time reading women. I didn't know this.

Science has been doing an excellent job proving what hack stand-up comedians have been saying for years. I suppose I should go run my regression analysis for my paper "Your Nuts!: Why airline food fails to meet expectations in quality, quantity, or accessability."

I'm sure I will live to regret my sarcasm when one day, I will be sitting in a coffee shop debating whether or not white people have any rhythm. I will be asked to cite scientific sources and will be unable to do so. I will surely think to myself "Why did I cancel my subscription to Duh! Monthly?"

Blessing or curse?

You know your friends have given up on you when they stop writing "& Guest" on your wedding invitations. Sure, we both know that there is a 90% chance that you are getting the card back with a big fat 1 on it, but at least hold out hope.

Check that, mate

I was typing a text yesterday using word mode and wanted to ask about Casablanca. My phone took that series of buttons to suggest "Capablanca," which is puzzling. Apparently Bogey and Bergman pale in popularity compared to 1920's Cuban chess grandmasters. Kudos, Verizon.

Needle-nosed pliars, 16-pound frozen turkey breast, and a box of condoms?

I'm passing along this Mental Floss link because I frequently have this thought and was 90% sure I was the only one. Since my readers (both of you... and one of you is a spambot) have similarly neurotic tendencies, you probably do this, too. What is your weirdest combination?

http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/10728