This week, Time Magazine has two different covers. One cover/story is in the Asia/Europe/South Pacific edition titled "The Truth about Talibanistan." The U.S. edition's cover story is "Why We Should Teach The Bible In Public Schools." Silly liberal media.

Where's my cane? I need to shake it.

The tipping point has been passed. I'm officially old. Two new technologies have arrived and I officially "don't get it." The first technology I just don't get is Twitter. Is it just me or is Twitter essentially the height of egotism? I think I'm so important that I need to let everyone know what I'm doing at any given time. We already have IMs for that. How do you improve on Instant Messaging? Apparently by Instantly blowing the message out to everyone you think might care. I'll admit that I was a bit late to the text message game, figuring "if you can type out a text message, you can just call me, dammit." I now realize that texting and IMing has a very distancing effect because you use them when you don't really want to talk to one of your friends. Apparently the way you counteract a distancing technology is to use it more often. That's like proving that being a pot-head hasn't made you lazy by showing how your productivity (as measured in bong hits taken) has increased infinitely since you started smoking.

Even worse than Twitter is Second Life. In this world, people live, get this, Second Lives. I can only assume people live second lives because they aren't satisfied with their first. You know what might make you appreciate your first life more? Not spending so much fucking time on your second one. Look at it this way, if you have a dog and you don't spend much time with it, you never play with it, and you just aren't sure it likes you because of these two things - you should play with your dog, not get another one. The problem I have with Second Life is the same problem I have with The Sims. I can already do those things. I play Madden 2007 because I will never line up at outside linebacker to blitz the strong side out of the 3-4 defense. I play Timesplitters 2 because (I assume) I will never shoot a giant living gingerbread man in the crotch with a crossbow. I won't play Second Life because I CAN forget to load the dishwasher before going to bed to wake up with flies in my sink. In fact, I'm pretty sure I did that last night.

I don't know what that makes me

I don't care if the glass is half full or half empty. If you had just chosen the proper size glass for the amount of liquid you were drinking, we wouldn't be having this discussion, would we?

5 Things James Taylor has seen

1. Fire
2. Rain
3. Sunny days that he thought would never end
4. Lonely times when he could not find a friend
5. You again? Maybe?

On Women

I have gone out with two different women in 2007 which, when you add the six that I went on dates with in 2006, means that there are eight women with enough self-loathing to go on a date with me. Nothing ever progressed past date three with any of them and I couldn’t figure out why. Today, it struck me. All eight of these women were the same woman.

Men, I offer you these ways to figure out if you are about to date of the 8 women I have dated in the past 18 months. Women, consider this a way to figure out whether or not we have gone out.

• If you met this woman online did she use her profile to describe herself as “laid-back?” Newsflash: She isn't. 90% of the women I know, my friends included, are crazy. Have you ever seen “The Big Lebowski?” THAT Dude is laid back! Just because you don’t chuck your dog out the window when he piddles on the carpet doesn’t mean you are laid back. If you pee on the carpet, too, then you are laid back. Then again, that makes you an unhousebroken carpet tinkler who knows fewer tricks than my neighbor’s German Shepherd. That doesn’t make you tremendously desirable. In the same vein, don’t say you “Work Hard, Play Hard.” That’s an advertising slogan, not a personal description. The only people who work hard, play hard are professional athletes and 13-year-old boys who can’t control their erections.
• If you have anything by Dan Brown on your list of favorite books, you aren’t a reader. You are a person who reads. There is a huge difference. Example: I play volleyball, but I’m not a volleyball player. When a serve comes at me, I get in position, pass the ball, watch my pass miss the setter by 20 feet, and shout “Fuck!” I’m not a player, I play. Liking Dan Brown is like discussing guitar deficiencies of Jimmy Page while unironically wearing a Nickelback T-shirt. I don't care that you read Angels and Demons before The Da Vinci Code came out. I don’t care if you saw Nickelback before they got popular. Being popular doesn't make something suck less.
• In my unscientific poll. 85% of women who watch Sex and the City consider themselves a “Carrie.” So 85% of all women consider themselves the most unique character on the show. That's right. You are unique and unpredictable! Bullshit! If you are like 85% of other people, it makes you completely predictable. Let me let you in on a little secret. Men don’t want a Carrie. We want you to look like Charlotte, act like Samantha, and be successful like Miranda. See any Carrie in there? Neither do I.