Acer up their sleeve

This morning, Taiwanese computer maker Acer purchased Gateway for $710 million, making the Acer CEO the first person to buy a Gateway since 2002.

Infernal Condensation

Ladies and Gentlemen, the super-condensed stage adaptation of Dante's Inferno:

Lights Up

Dante: Aw, hell...

Blackout

Heckuva job, Gonzo!

This morning, the White House announced the resignation of attorney general Alberto Gonzales. When reached for comment on his resignation, Gonzales claimed that he "did not recall." Gonzales reportedly is not resigning because of the criticism coming from Congress and the media, but so that he can spend more time with Karl Rove's family. 41 members of Gonzales's own family were fired last November for "not being loyal Bushies."

Shuller's Rules for Life

[Ed note: I was working on this monologue for a show I was working on last year. Since it never fully came together for me, (nor did it really fit anywhere in the show) I reformatted it as a list for RA publishing purposes. Enjoy]

If you ask any of my friends, they will tell you that sometimes I'm not exactly what you would call "easy-going," "laid-back," or "nice." I can't help it. I hold myself to high standards and expect the same of others. With that, I give you Shuller's Rules for Life. I know the title smacks of grandiosity, but please don't be put off by it. Think off it as "How not to piss me off."

First - Don't complain about anything unless you are doing something about it. If you complain to me that you can't lose weight even though you are running 10 miles a day, you'll have my sympathy. If you complain about not losing weight while you are holding two pieces of stuffed crust pizza, I'll beat you with the nearest blunt object. And then I'll eat your pizza.

Second - Don't insult people using words you don't know. Last summer, Sen. George Allen insulted someone of Indian descent by calling him "Macaca." Allen later claimed he just made up the word on the spot and didn't realize it was a racial slur originating from the region where his mother grew up. If you don't know what the word means, don't use it. Last week at work, someone wrote an e-mail to my boss in which I was called an "eliteist" because I used the word "whereas." I don't mind being called an eliteist, because it's true. However, they misspelled "eliteist." Epilogue: I responded with "No, I'm not" and misspelled every single word.

Third - Be mindful of your actions' effects on others. Just because you aren't in a hurry, doesn't mean that no one else is. If you are going the speed limit, get out of the left lane. In the left lane, it should be legal to give someone a NASCAR bump.

Fourth - Listen to the words that come out of your own mouth. If you are about to say anything that could legitimately start with "It goes without saying..." then you should respect that instinct. It probably does go without saying - and should.

Fifth - Accept that which you cannot change. Ladies, we will accept that when you say "Nothing is wrong," it means that something is wrong. Unfortunately, we will do so only if you accept that when you ask "What are you thinking about?" and we say "Nothing" it means we are thinking about nothing.

Shake 'em on down

This weekend's 'This is why we are best friends' moment is brought to you by Shawn and Brieanna's most excellent wedding.

Setting: Withak's hotel room. Kris is in the bathroom when his lovely wife notices that I was choosing my tie from the three I brought.
Brie: Why did you bring three ties?
Me: That way, if I strike out with the hottest bridesmaid, I can change my tie and pretend to be someone else. I'm a master of disguise.

Kris comes out of the bathroom and tries to choose a tie from the two that he brought.

Brie: You brought two ties?
Kris: Yes
Brie: At least you didn't bring three like Shuller.
Kris: Well, Shuller needs them so that if he strikes out with the hottest bridesmaid, he can change his tie and pretend to be someone else. He's a master of disguise.

Well played, Mr. Withak.

Cold War Kids play ball

If Withak can put up Indie Rock Baseball reviews, then so can I. I took a stab at Cold War Kids - Cowards and Robbers. Here's how the game played out:

1. We Used to Vacation - Ball
One Ball, No strikes
2. Hang Me Up to Dry -Single
Runner on First
3. Tell Me in the Morning - Ball
Runner on First - One Ball, No strikes
4. Hair Down - Strike
Runner on First - One Ball, One Strike
5. Passing the Heat - Ball
Runner on First - Two balls, One Strike
6. Saint John - Strike
Runner on First - Two balls, Two strikes
7. Robbers - Ball
Runner on First - Full count
8. Hospital Beds - Ball
Runners on First, Second
9. Pregnant - Ball
First and Second - One ball, no strikes
10. Red Wine Success - Strike
First and Second - One ball, One strike
11. God, Make Up Your Mind
First and Second - One ball, Two strikes
12. Rubidoux - Triple
Two Runs Score - Runner on third.

Final Tally: CD Completed, Two runs Scored, Runner on Third

What the hell, Cold War Kids? You were so close to being given up on (twice!) and then you pull out Rubidoux right at the end? I ache for all the people who will never get the pleasure of having that song stuck in their head, much like it will be in mine for the rest of the day.

That's all I got.

Titular Footnote

I'm surprised that no liberal candy company (that I know of) has come out with a candy called "Mmmmm... Peach Mints."

My attention span has become so short that I often don't finish writing something on my to-do list before I

I'm not saying my apartment was hot this morning, but I broke a sweat getting ice from the freezer.

The next person who tries to start an elevator conversation with me about the weather will get stabbed with my fist. Yes, it's hot out. Now lets enjoy these next 14 floors in uncomfortable silence.

Verbal Jazz Hands

This morning, I'm experiencing a weird phenomenon where everything that everybody tells me is something that a)I already know and b)I told them. Please keep in mind that you don't need to tell me the things that I've already said. I know the things I've already said. In fact, I'm the one who said them.

Hat Tip to Dr. Cox.