War on Jesus's Birthday

I'm sick and tired of hearing about this War on Christmas. So the store you bought your Christmas presents at has a banner that says "Happy Holidays." Big Deal. What about us jews that constantly have to buy or Hannukah presents under "Merry Christmas" banners? Our presents have identity crises. Since stores don't want to lose the valuable Hannukah business, so they would have to make a banner that says "Happy Hannukah," too. Then they would put up a "Happy Kwanzaa" banner. Let's not forget that New Year's Day is a holiday, too. That makes 4 banners that would have to be printed. So lets call a spade a spade and recognize the real victims. By printing banners that say "Happy Holidays," companies are consolidated all of their holiday good wishes into one message and cutting their printing costs by 75%. This isn't a war on Christmas. It's a war on Kinko's!

Bonjourrrrrrrr.... You cheese eating surrender monkeys

I'm sick and tired of women wearing black berets slightly askew. I've yet to see one that can pull it off. Are you trying to be French or ghetto? Frankly, it ends up being neither and you just look like a member of the Parisian proletariot who is about to whack me with a baggette. I propose that there are only two classes of people who are allowed to wear berets in America.

1. Special Forces - God bless you and your bravery. You can wear whatever the hell you want.
2. Rerun - As long as you dance every time you enter or exit a room.

Ctrl + S

Today, Seagate purchased Maxtor. The purchase price was in the neighborhood of $2 billion, but is expected to be lower after all applicable coupons and the $100 million mail-in rebate (actually 2 $50 million rebates). The negotiations were held up by Goldman Sachs's non-stop saving of their workpapers due to fear of a hard drive crash.

Why I love my friends

I pointed out a cute girl to one of my best friends. I got this response:

I know her! She actually lives in your building! I wouldn't ask her out if I were you.
Why not? She a bitch?
Well, yeah. She is. And she has herpes.

Point taken.

Sadly, the crackle and pop bracelets never caught on

I can't remember the last time I saw or wore a snap bracelet. I remember them being banned from my school when I was in 6th grade because there was a report of several kids poking their eyes out with snap bracelets. Even in 6th grade, I knew they were feeding us bullshit. You can poke your eye out with anything. They let us keep our fingers, our pencils, and our rulers, which were essentially snap bracelets that didn't bend. But the bracelets? Hell no!

Eaves with ease

Dammit! How many times have I told you not to eavesdrop on the voices in my head?

But it's a dry bird

Receptionist: What's that?
Worker: It's the Phoenix Project logo.
Receptionist: Why's there a bird on it?
Manager #1: You have got to be kidding?
Receptionist: What?
Manager #2: Bird, Phoenix? Hello?
Receptionist: I don't get it.
Clerk: Okay, the bird...it's a phoenix.
Receptionist: Phoenix is a city.
Clerk: ...Phoenix is, also, a mythological bird.
Receptionist: Named after the city?

You want me to do what??????

This weekend, I am a guest performer in the holiday show for Rhythm In Shoes, a rather famous dance troupe based in Dayton filled with jaw-droppingly talented people. Sure, I can't sing, I can't dance, and I sure as hell can't do both at the same time, but it'll be fun. Plus I got to hang out with hot dancers who are about my age. At least this time I won't be shoving $1 bills in their g-strings... at least not until the after party *crosses fingers*.

From comedy comes tragedy

Joey, the owner of the theater company, dropped the bomb that he and his wife are moving to Michigan. Unless we can find someone else to come in and run the theater, my comedy career may be over in April. Without being able to say "I'm a professional comedian," how am I ever supposed to get girls? That, my friend, is the true tragedy. I mean I am a true player. I don’t mean to brag, but I have slept with a different girl every year for the last um… ok, this year doesn’t count because it’s not over yet, so um… year. Where do I get my “playa” card?

**This joke is dedicated to Lil’ Red.

Among other people...

I wish Swiss Miss was a real person. I would totally date her. Then when it snowed, I would curl up under a blanket and be like “You’re the best honey. Keep the cocoa coming.”