1 billion Chinese can't be wrong

I drink a lot of green tea. It’s not because I like antioxidants. It’s because I really, really hate oxidants.

From my cold, dead hands

Most of my friends know I’m pretty liberal on social issues, but some people still ask me about my position on gun-control and, more specifically, Ohio’s conceal-carry law. Personally, I’m against it. It isn’t because I think the 2nd amendment is an antiquated declaration, (though I do) and it isn’t because I think the 1st amendment is more important (though I do). What really scares me is the thought that the 45-year old man trying to pay for his groceries by scanning a $20 bill at the U-Scan terminal might be packing. If the words “Please insert bills into the bill acceptor” confuse you, then I’m sorry for not trusting your intelligence enough to decide whether I should live or die.

PC on a Mac

I think that we should make this world even more racially sensitive by changing the name of the former Yugoslavic republic to Monteafrican-American. Call me crazy, but I think it is the least we can do. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go listen to my Caucasian-Tonk records.

Like dancing about architecture

I've discovered that if you take a really bad joke and
replace the stupid words with funny ones, you can make
it funny.

Lunestacy

Lunesta is the new sleep aid from Sepracor. It is being rolled out through a slick ad campaign with some really nifty little commercials. At the end of the commercial, they have one of those fast-talking disclaimers that ends with “Side effects may include unpleasant taste, headache, drowsiness and dizziness.” First of all – unpleasant taste is a side effect now? How is it that Clamato Juice can be sold without that disclaimer? I mean sure… on the surface, a combination of clams and tomatoes sounds like a match made in heaven. However, approximately 90% of the people I know that have used Clamato in the past have experienced this horrible side effect. Approximately 50% experienced vomiting. These are statistically significant results that the FDA needs to be made aware of. Finally, and most importantly, why in god’s name is drowsiness a SIDE EFFECT of a SLEEP AID? It kinda seems like A-number-1 effect of a sleep aid. That’s like seeing a commercial for chemotherapy and hearing “Side effects may include vomiting, hair loss, and death of cancer cells.” Drowsiness should not take anyone by surprise. If you are the kind of person who would say “I just wanted to catch some Zs, so I took this pill and the damn thing made me sleepy!” I want you to do us all a favor. Go to the doctor, get a prescription for Lunesta, and then take the whole bottle at once. Swallowing 30 pills at once can be tricky so wash it down with a fifth of Jack Daniels if you need to. I promise you it will be the best sleep you’ve ever had. Side effects may include intense euphoria, followed by extreme drowsiness, and immediate added depth to the human gene pool.

Break your fast

If I owned a coffee shop, I would put a new item on the menu: it would be an herbal appetite suppressant tea infused with valium. Really, I just want to hear someone order a Mahatma Grande. You could use it to wash down your Baklavah Gita.

Feel Bad, Inc.

I think it is an ominous sign when your mind wanders so much, it buys an iPod.

If Nick and Jessica’s heartwrenching breakup has taught us nothing else, it is that… umm…. Uhhh…

I think Paul Giammati’s next film role ought to be as a balding, middle-aged, alcoholic writer just getting out of a damaging relationship. I bet he’d be really good at that role. Maybe this time he could have diabetes. Coming Soon: American Splenda.

How about "Principle"?

Today, President Bush reaffirmed his support for Judge Harriet Miers calling her a woman of “great conviction.” Now, I’m no politician, but considering the current status of Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, Karl Rove, and Scooter Libby, I don’t think “conviction” is a word the GOP wants to hear right now.

It's market research... no, really...

Today, I learned that one of our largest customers shares the same name as a health and fitness magazine for transgender and transsexual people. On a related note, don’t use Google’s “I’m feeling lucky” button at work.