Rape and Pillage.

Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were fired this week for having sex in a bar bathroom. They were quickly hired by the Minnesota Vikings.

Eggs... with extra ham.

I only use “I can’t believe it’s not butter” on my toast because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous.

How was breakfast, Kevin?
Unbelievable.

That’s right. It’s a breakfast joke; which means that this is the most important joke of the day.

***Jokes stolen from Demetri Martin and Daniel Tosh, respectively.... and respectfully.

Phhttttt.... more like FEBL

I’ve gotten to the point at work now where the only time I get work is when there is a 3 day project that needs to be done in a day and a half. I think this is because I can only be productive when I am working in crisis mode. Unfortunately, this ability will render me grossly unqualified when I apply to become FEMA director.

Yeah… you like how timely that joke was? Hang on… I’m digging up some doozies about a stained blue dress.

Potty Humor

I like to keep two different joke books by my toilet. One book is Dennis Miller’s Rants and the other is 1001 Really, Really Bad Puns. Book selection is based on planned toilet usage. That way I am either going to the bathroom for shits and giggles or to piss and moan.

Is he kidding?

Note to self: When someone says “Hello!” to you, you should always respond with “Hi!” or “Good Morning!” “What is that supposed to mean?!” is an inappropriate response. I apologize to whomever that was in the elevator this morning.