Take THAT, Monkees!

Inspired by the pride Ohio takes in its Official State Rock Song. The Louisiana state legislature has adopted  their own state rock song. Unfortunately, that song is House of the Rising Sun by The Animals. “There is a house in New Orleans…”

My fascist loaf

If you have to write a check to buy gum right in front of me in line at Kroger, I reserve the right to pick any item in my cart and beat you with it. Even if all I have is some Italian bread, I will beat you senseless with my fascist loaf

Still doesn't explain Velveeta

Very few people know that the inventor of the radio is also responsible for starting the tradition of using verbal aids for smiling in photographs. This also explains the seeming inseparability of Marconi and Cheese.

Let's get Hammered

Deposed House Minority Leader Tom “The Hammer” DeLay (R-TX) was indicted on 1 count of Conspiracy by a Texas grand jury. The charge carries a maximum penalty of 2 years in prison. Since they are charges brought by the state, DeLay should spend that time in a state prison. The thought of which makes me so warm and fuzzy that I offer two punchlines:

1. There will be one person in his cell with the nickname “The Hammer,” but it won’t be DeLay.


2. In honor of the mountain of evidence against him, he is changing his name to the more appropriate, Tom DeScrewed.

[ed note: I realize I gave two punchlines and they both involved anal rape. I’ll make it up to you later, I swear.]

Socks it to me

I think I am going to start marinating my feet in Italian dressing, that way they won’t taste so bad when I inevitably shove them in my mouth.

Suck it, Boomtown Rats

I think if Garfield were a fundamentalist Muslim, he would place a fatwa upon Mondays.

There is no dog

I despise the phrase “God-fearing Christian.” If you are such a good Christian, what the hell do you have to fear? You should welcome God, not fear him. Invite that sumbitch over for tea and crumpets. That way you can regale him with tales of all the good you’ve done in his name, like tell people they are going to hell because they don’t have a “W” sticker in their back window or calling for the assassination of the president of Venezuela on national TV. If anybody should fear god, it would be atheists. But you never hear the phrase “God-fearing atheist.” That should be an atheist’s biggest fear. Someone just sitting around, having a beer with their buddies talking about their fantasy football team when lightning flashes, thunder crashes, the clouds open up, and a gigantic finger comes down from the heaven and taps him on the shoulder *slowly cranes his head upward* “Oh, fuck….”

Turn left at Crazy St.

People who know me know that I frequently take unplanned trips to Depressionville. For the first time in a while, this last trip involved a trip down Paranoia Blvd. The weird thing is, while I was driving down Paranoia Blvd., I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being followed.

Video is someone's bitch

Video killed the Radio Star. Video got convicted of first degree manslaughter and is now serving 5-20 in a Federal Penitentiary. In the meantime, the public mourns the fact that the radio star killed wasn’t Ashley Simpson.