News you can Ews

1. Dear Minnesota: You're Welcome
2. Dear bearded high school students: This was a lot funnier when I did it in high school because security didn't have Tasers back then. Aim high, Fellas

Things I think I think

1. The older I get, the more I use the phrase "The older I get..." The older I get, the more that bothers me.
2. I think the airhorn is a very underused musical instrument, except at high school graduations.
3. I propose that before anyone be allowed to display pictures of their children as their Windows desktop at work, the pictures must be approved by a committee that determines whether or not your child is cute. If your kid isn't cute, keep a 3x5 in your desk drawer, Chester.
4. Punctuation means everything. There is a difference between being Jewish and being Jew-ish.

I believe technology is limitless. However, I don't think it will ever make it any easier to eat a grapefruit

Nicknames I've answered to recently

The House
Chipsy McStacksalot
CrotchHammer
KSHUL
Freektastical

UPDATE:
El Matador
The Hammer

I plan on updating this list as often as I get a new one and I remember to add it.