More things I'm banning

This list of recently banned verbal disgraces doesn't apply just to the internet. I reserve the right to beat you if you use these in my presence.



1. What happens in _________, stays in _________. This is the new "The first Rule of ________ is 'Don't talk about ________'" The Fight Club thing may be funny again in 3-5 years, once people forget about it. That means that the Vegas slogan will be funny in 2018.



2. Superlatives. I don't care what you think; that is probably not the funniest video ever. That is not the best headline ever. You are not the smartest person ever. Deal with it. (ed. note: I know I'm guilty of this. I'm working on it).



3. Pathetic Punchline: Priceless. Just because someone lists the price of two objects doesn't give you the right to finish the next sentence with ": Priceless." If you are so hard up for a punchline, you are trying too hard. Give this a break. Is it 2002 already?

Musings on Gatlinburg

There are only 5 kinds of stores in Gatlinburg:

1. Wacky T-Shirts; including one "I'm too sexy for my..." shirt.

2. God stores; walked into one with Michiya (Shinto-Buddhist). We nearly caught on fire

3. Taffy/Fudge/Candy/Ice Cream

4. Engraving - Wood, crystal, pennies, etc.

5. Old Tyme Photos



If you can get a 2 bedroom jacuzzi room for under $50/night, you need to stay at a nicer hotel.



I don't care if you are driving around in your dad's Audi, if you are 15 and wearing a do rag, not even hookers will give you the time of day if you whistle at them.



Apparently all hotels in Pidgeon Forge have a special bible that reads "And on the seventh day, God rested... and DROVE GO-KARTS." I say that out of jealousy, too, because the go-carts were moving 5x faster than any car through town.



We counted 5 different locations that offered "Old Tyme Photos and Weddings." Of those two things, shouldn't the wedding get top billing there. Secondly, Five stores?! Are there really enough people who want to get married wearing a fake moustache and assless chaps over their jeans to warrant five options? Shouldn't the free market have taken care of this already?



Landlords should not warn you about bears nearby and then not provide screens on ground floor bedrooms. I was left with the choice of roasting while I slept or being eaten by a godless killing machine.



I can't pretend I'm not a little jealous of people who are secure enough with themselves to wear a shirt that declares how sexy they are as they waddle down the street eating fried twinkies.

Things I have banned from the internet

I am hereby declaring a moratorium on the following crimes against the internet. These only make you sound like a gigantic tool.



1. 'Nuff Said - Apparently, it wasn't because you felt the need to tack on these two words. I have two more for you: Shut up.

2. One. Word. Sentences. - It is still acceptable to use three consecutive one word sentences only if the first one is "Worst." Stop. It. Now.

3. Any city nickname that isn't typed to save time or space or unless it's widely used. Houston is not "H-town." Chicago IS Chi-town. Omaha is not "O-ville." Cincinnati IS Cincy. If you live in Walla Walla, the choice is yours.